Expert shares advice on how to talk politics with family, friends at the Thanksgiving table

The election is over, but conversations surrounding the outcome are sure to continue for weeks to come.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, knowing how to engage with friends and family members with differing political views may help keep tempers at bay – and relationships intact. Virginia Tech expert Todd Schenk shared his advice for how to keep the peace.

Schenk, an associate professor and chair of the Department of Urban Affairs and Planning, doesn’t believe that tough conversations should always be avoided – but that there is a time and a place for them. And that place probably isn’t around a crowded dinner table with the wine flowing and the cousins heckling.

He said it is also important to acknowledge that family and friends aren’t going to change their opinions right away.

“Persuasion is possible and a common reason for engagement,” he said. “However, it is difficult and, when it happens, typically the result of sustained dialogue. Failure to acknowledge this and believe that you are going to convince someone by meeting and laying out your arguments is often a recipe for frustration on both sides.”

Schenk offers the following suggestions for talking to others who have differing viewpoints:

• Find the right time and venue. For example, a very sensitive conversation is best not done in front of jeering friends or family.
• Ensure there is mutual commitment to respectful and constructive dialogue.
• When ready to engage, be prepared for a difficult or challenging conversation.
• Start by building a shared understanding of where each side is coming from. This will help build empathy and maintain or restore the health of the relationship.
• Go in with a genuine curiosity and willingness to listen. This does not mean putting yourself into a situation that is likely to be harmful or in which your being or identity is threatened. Although it may sound paradoxical, evidence suggests that the slow and difficult process of persuasion is rooted in counterparts feeling heard and respected. Only then can they reconsider how their positions do and do not align with their core values.  
• Use active listening techniques, which includes demonstrating listening with body language and asking probing questions to affirm and clarify what was said. It can involve “respectful interrogation,” in which we avoid recrimination, assumptions, and vitriol while probing to understand and challenge each other.

“Active listening techniques can seem cliché, but evidence, including our own research, suggests that their application can build empathy,” Schenk said. “There is some debate around the value of empathy, but I think it is hard to argue against its importance when we are talking about relationships with friends and family members.”

About Schenk

Schenk is an associate professor in the School of Public and International Affairs at Virginia Tech. He has extensive research and consulting experience working on collaborative governance and environmental policy and planning issues. Read his full bio here. 

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