Grief forever changes us. The journey that we walk through changes who we are and how we perceive the world around us. Those who are unfamiliar or uncomfortable with grief may prompt us to move on. When they try this, we often plant our heels into the ground and resist. This may come as a surprise to them.
I have had someone in my life ask me, following the death of my mother, why wouldn’t I want to be happy again. What those who are unfamiliar or uncomfortable with grief do not grasp is that their version of moving on means forgetting.
Someone who has loved and lost never forgets. You never forget your loved one’s name. Speaking their name aloud often brings comfort. You never forget how your loved one made you feel. Sharing stories of their presence in your life may one day bring peace.
Your loved ones are engraved in your memory. And though you may fear forgetting the sound of their voice, the way they laughed or how they smiled, there is an internally driven reassurance in knowing they are forever a part of you. You carry them with you, always. Because the deceased are a part of you, you never truly “move on” from grieving their deaths. You learn to “move with” grief or, rather, grief “moves” with you because it has woven itself into the very fabric of your being.
Life without the deceased is never going to be “normal” again. So it’s not about getting back to what’s “normal,” it’s about finding the “new normal.” In that respect, it’s not about leading an “and/or” life, meaning that you either grieve or choose to move on. It’s about leading a “both/and” life, meaning that you can both grieve and live.
Living your best life does not mean that you wall off grief or confine it to a timetable that someone else prescribed for you. Living your best life means that you get to define what your ”new normal” looks like.
It’s not about timelines; it’s about you.
Jill Englar, MSW, LCSW-C, is the director of support services at BridgingLife in Maryland.
