What is going on between Ted and Nate?
If you follow Ted Lasso, the hit show on Apple TV+, you know the rift between the affable, golden retriever of a coach and the sometimes sweet, sometimes very angry former kitman Nathan Shelley is one of the most intriguing storylines of the series. What tore them apart? Can they come back together before the series ends? How?
They can, according to Grace Binion, an assistant professor of psychology at Furman University, with the help of dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT. So can, you know, real people who face similar struggles.
Binion is a big fan of the show because the characters – Lasso, Coach Beard, Roy, Rebecca, Keeley, Jamie and others – are so much like us. “They’re complicated, flawed people who are doing the best they can with what they have,” Binion said.
DBT seems perfectly suited for Ted and Nate. The techniques “help people navigate really big emotions and interpersonal challenges,” Binion said. It’s helpful for a range of mental health problems, from borderline personality disorder to depression and anxiety. It takes about a year to work through DBT systematically, so we know Dr. Sharon Fieldstone didn’t practice it, although she might have employed some of the four elements.
The first step in DBT is mindfulness, becoming aware of what’s going on inside you and around you. Like Ted recognizing his panic attacks. Nate doesn’t seem to have a lot of mindfulness.
The second step is distress tolerance to respond to really, really big emotions. Rebecca telling Ted to breathe through a panic attack is a good example.
Next is regulating emotions, keeping good emotions while reducing negative thoughts. We saw Ted almost slide into a panic attack, but he was able to stop the skid.
Finally, DBT teaches interpersonal effectiveness skills to help people build stable relationships and end destructive ones.
Ted and Nate are both hurt, Binion said. And Sassy was right, Ted’s a mess.
Ted’s dad’s suicide when Ted was 13 could mean that the coach is more susceptible to depression. How his family handled the suicide also affected him. “He might have fallen into being peoples’ comforter, cheerleader, rather than being focused on his own experiences,” Binion said. “Ted might worry that acknowledging scary emotions, things like panic or sadness or anger, might mean that he could be overcome by them and would end up like his dad, because he hasn’t seen a model for how to regulate big scary feelings.”
Ted keeps things light with jokes and puns. He’s afraid to go deep or be vulnerable. “It seems like he’s really afraid of conflict. He wants things to be good, and he struggles when things aren’t good,” Binion said.
His divorce is fine. Missing his son is fine. His ex-wife dating their marriage counselor, also fine. Nate hating him and saying nasty things about him, that’s OK, too.
Nate doesn’t know how to get what he needs: love and respect.
“If your dad or mom is constantly shutting you down and telling you to stop asking for what you need, you’re not going to get practice doing that, and then you’re going to show up in the world without the skill you need to navigate that space,” Binion said.
Nate’s dad is a piece of work. But Ted showed him love and respect from the beginning. Until Ted hired Roy as a coach. Nate started getting jealous of the attention and recognition others were getting, which he felt he deserved.
“I see Nate as trying so hard to be respected,” Binion said. “He just doesn’t have the skills to do that in a way that doesn’t hurts people. He explodes.”
Nate even had a hard time asking Jade out, although he’s been mooning over her for episodes. “Nate wants certainty. It’s so stressful for him. He needs a lot of coaching and support to be able to do it. But it highlights that even asking for something small is hard for him. Even in a position of power, it’s still hard for him to ask for what he wants or what he needs.”
Nate was lured by Rupert, the scoundrel (to be kind), by power, but mostly by recognition, something Nate wasn’t able to ask Ted for.
“Being honest in interpersonal relationships is a huge part of the message of Ted Lasso,” Binion said.
“Being honest and fair to yourself and others, setting boundaries when appropriate and being vulnerable at other times, not always does that work out in a way that feels good, but more often than not, it works out in a way that you feel better about yourself,” Binion said.
We’ve seen hints of a rapprochement between Ted and Nate. Binion hopes for something less than a Hollywood ending tied with a bow. If they came back together and acted like nothing were ever wrong, that wouldn’t be genuine, she said. But seeing each character admit to the other that they’ve been hurt, that would depict real emotional growth.
If you feel like Ted or Nate, or Roy or Rebecca, and want to try DBT, Binion suggests searching for a therapist near you who is certified in DBT. Ask if group therapy and phone coaching are available. There are also popular manuals and books that a therapist can work through with you.
