The process of listening to a person and trying to understand their way of thinking is still the same, said Toledo, assistant professor of secondary education.
“Oftentimes, in a conversation, especially one where we think we’re right, we’re not listening to understand. We’re listening to speak. We’re waiting for our turn. And that can happen even more with politics,” Toledo said.
What complicates political discussions for all of us, Toledo said, is that conversations with family often involve two things: identity and personal connection.
Toledo advises people who are around family members during the holiday season to establish their individual boundaries and comfort levels around topics where family members can disagree. He cites a theory by Diana Hess known as open and closed issues.
Examples of open issues would be “open for discussion” for the speaker – perhaps gun ownership, tax rates, or allowing bikes on the sidewalk. Closed issues are likely already decided for the speaker and often are issues that can impact human rights.
“Those (closed issues) are issues we typically don’t want to bring into classrooms or with family,” Toledo said. “You can say, ‘You know what? We aren’t going to see eye to eye on this because it affects who I am as a person or somebody’s identity.’”
Toledo’s advice is to find spaces where there’s room for debate.
“(When we think about this recent election,) there’s a lot of shaming and a lot of labeling,” Toledo said. “Many times, when you have conversations with people, you find out that their reasons for voting had nothing to do with comments that a candidate made. Their reasoning may be, ‘My basic needs have to be met before I can care about something bigger.’
With civic issues, there’s so many different sides and ways of thinking about them.”
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